I seriously have a fucking problem. I need help. I have to stop this. I can’t do it. I don’t want to live anymore. My thoughts take over and I can’t do anything about it. Sure I can take a pill that will stop it for an hour but that’s not fucking good enough. I don’t want to live this way anymore. I’m tired of it just coming straight back. Nothing helps. Ever. I’m just fucked. I’m nothing..
I am not right. I’m sick. I really am. And it’s all my fault. I caused it. I ruined everything. I did it. And no matter how hard I try there’s nothing I can do to fix it. It seems like that’s all I ever do. I try. So fucking hard. But nothing ever comes of it. I just get shit on and I take it like a bitch. Why? Because I love what little I have and the small things that I do enjoy. Thats what has come from this more than anything. I’ve learned to hate most things and appreciate the very few things I actually enjoy. I’m not better than I was a year ago. I’ve just become numb and I’ve learned to ignore how I feel. I’m never going to be better and I know it. Thats what frustrates me the most. I can’t get better. I’ve become a btter person and I’ve grown up a lot and I think that’s why I can cope. I’m just really sick of being thrown around by everyone in my life. Its always been that way. I’m the one that gets pushed around because I care too much. I care too much for other people and I don’t want to hurt anyone. But why is that a problem? Shouldn’t that be a good thing? I’m the good guy. Everyone hates the good guy. The good guy isn’t exciting. The good guy does what he’s told and takes whatevers coming to him because the good guy needs to. Its his job. You know I can say I’m sick of being the good guy but what’s the point. I’m not going to change because this is who I am and I do what I think is right. I don’t know. I just know that YOU are all that matters to me and I hope that when we leave and get away from all of this bullshit our lives will better than they ever have been. We will do great things me and you. Its just a matter of time. As always. We need to wait for what we want. But I know for a fact that what we want will be worth it. It will be worth it I promise. Just promise me you won’t leave me and that you’ll help me get through this. That’s all I want. Just you to help me. Because I need you. I need you more than you need me. I hold back all of the time because I’m trying to help you get over your obstacles. But sometimes I need you to help me to get over mine. And only you can help with that. You are my drug. My cure. My everything. This is corny as fuck but still. Its true and those are the only words that can explain it. I love you and everything you do. I just need your help. I don’t know why I went on this rant. I just need to get things out.